Someone Spilled Beer on the Computer, and Zombie Burger Des Moines

It wasn't me. I don't even like beer. At any rate, that's the explanation for the lack of blogging going on lately.

In the meantime, here's a photo of some gnarly food (gnarly in a bad way) I ate at the Des Moines East Village hotspot Zombie Burger that was every bit as gross as it was gimmicky. Something as bad for you as a "Mac Dog" should taste good. I was overcome with disappointment when I found that I could do better at home with a box of Kraft and a package of Nathan's. I was served cold, bland macaroni and cheese, deep-fried bacon bits with and an off-putting fake taste, and a dog that seemed high-school cafeteria boiled. You might be attracted to the B-side gaudiness and glitz, but you should still pass over this place next time you're in the metropolis that is Dez Moynez.

Mac Dog ($5.49) and the highlight of the fat fest, a side of fries ($1.79)

Fat in Des Moines

Java Joe's CoffeeHouse
214 4th Street
Des Moines, IA 50309
(515) 288-5282
Open 6:30am to 11pm, midnight on Fri and Sat and 10pm on Sun
www.jjch.com

Cream of Broccoli Soup

There I was, a gray Thursday afternoon, wandering around the great Iowan metropolis. It was cold, and I may have been battling a real brain shrinker of a hangover. All I knew was I needed soup and coffee, and water. Luckily, Java Joe's had all of that. Their very vegetarian-friendly menu dabbles in Indian, Mexican, and standard deli/coffeehouse fare, a sort of multiple identity kind of place. I wonder if they can really pull off the Madras Lentils AND the Quesadilla AND the Belgian Waffle. The homemade Cream of Broccoli soup did the trick, though I realized I am so over Saltines. If you respect your soup, you gotta have a chunk of baguette, or a bagel chip, or oyster crackers, or something better than packaged Krispys. The coffee was strong and bold, and later the place stunk up the whole city block with the smell of roasting beans. They have live music at night, pleasant bathrooms, ample seating, and chummy counter folk. Perfect for a pit stop.

...

Hessen Haus
101 4th Street
Des Moines, IA 50309
(515) 288-2520
Kitchen open 'til 10pm, 7 days a week; bar open 'til 2am Wed thru Sat and 'til midnight Sun thru Tues
www.hessenhaus.com

Köstritzer Schwarzbier:
Creamy. Malty. Delicious.

The Hessen Haus wants you to think big. It's an elongated rustic beer hall with exposed wooden beams, beer paraphernalia in every nook, and instructions for everyone's faux-German drinking favorite, das Boot, printed right on their menus. I had never heard of das Boot--a giant glass boot to drink beer out of and pass around--before moving to the Midwest, but it's apparently something they do down there at Oktoberfest. Those silly Bavarians. Anyway, if anything, the Hessen Haus made me realize that I need not be so picky. Kölsch, thee beer from Cologne, is never served in a mug, but rather little highball glasses that make you feel dainty and stick your pinky out as you chug. It's just how it's done. But of course, we're not in Cologne, and I'm not a relentless snob, so I should probably just let that one go. Bratwurst would never be served on a fluffy, smushy bun, but rather a crusty hard roll. Again, let it go. The Reuben Rolls were pretty kraut-y and salty, and the potato salad was at least half vinegar, but once I got over myself I really enjoyed sipping my Schwarzbier. A worthy place to visit, an even better place to waste an afternoon at Happy Hour. Prost.

The Brat: Skip the kraut, but add some mustard.
Coarsely ground, not very dense, didn't pop with steam at the first bite like brats do sometimes. Tasty still.
The Potato Salad: Heavy on the vinegar, but maybe after a few passes of das Boot it won't matter. 

Reuben Rolls with Thousand Island Dressing