The "Party Cut"

I don't know about you, but when I think of the word "party," the image of an innocent round pizza mangled into sixteen or so tiny pieces doesn't come to mind. Also known as the "tavern cut" (Wikipedia tells me), this pizza slicing method leaves you with only a few Good Pieces: The center slices wind up as floppy, lifeless grease pools, and the outer edges are condemned to exist as virtually crust only, a waning moon-shaped, cheese-less wheat gristle that only the loser at the "party" should chew.

It doesn't help that my roots are lodged in the land of Philly Sandwiches (but where I'm from we give them the exotic title of cheesesteak). I think it's safe to say that most East Coasters might actually get sick at the sight of a round pie with square divisions. My biggest issue isn't the soggy center, but the fact that I don't know how much I'm supposed to eat. When you say "I had a slice of pizza before I passed out last night," I can picture what a triangle wedge looks like, but precisely how many of these squares does that equal? Two? Three? But they're all different sizes! I can't tell! With slices like this I'm forced to rely solely on my body's hormonal and neurological signals to tell me I'm full, which never works out.

The floppy, crustless grease pool that is the center slice.
Does this look appetizing?

The edge. All crust. No glory. 

To me, this is a ridiculous way to enjoy the Best Food on Earth. The pizza is thin, but you can't fold it, and since you can't fold it, there's no crease for the grease to drip out onto your plate, and with no grease crease, you ingest more grease. I know there are all types of pizza across the United States and even some decent ones in other countries. Give me a Chicago deep dish any day. I think I can understand that one. But this thin crust party-cut hack job bullshit? Not at my party.