The Bohemian Cafe

1406 South 13th Street
Omaha, NE 68108
(402) 342-9838
Open Sun-Thurs 11am-9pm, Fri/Sat 11am-10pm
More economical lunch prices are offered until 3pm everyday except Sunday.
www.bohemiancafe.net

Czechvar Lager Beer--
Also known as Budweiser Budvar in Europe,
beer critics call this one of the world's great beers.
I have to agree. 

Positively bustling on a recent blustery Saturday afternoon, this classic Omaha favorite -- and by "classic" I mean open since the Roaring Twenties -- still had plenty of room for our four-top, past a maze of tables and side rooms, to an intimate table near the windows. Our server could have been from New Jersey's best diner, refilling our coffee diligently, and then later, our beers. The decor was less kitschy than expected, but the use of "Czech" was not. (On the wall: We accept Czechs, not checks. On the menu: Czech us out.)

Egg Noodle Soup

Liver Dumpling Soup

The food was straightforward, no-frills, meat-and-potatoes, stick-to-your-ribs. Hearty. Simple. Comfort food. Vegetarians can enjoy the vibe -- and the booze -- but not a whole lot else. I wished I could have a whole loaf of their soft seeded rye and a crock of butter all to myself. The Egg Noodle Soup was just that: Egg noodles, like the German spätzle, and salty broth. The Liver Dumpling Soup came with one slightly rubbery ball of liver, which was mild in taste. I'd call this Liver for Beginners for someone on the fence. It's one of the Cafe's signature items, and it's a goody you won't find on Panera's list of daily soups.

Czech Goulash

Svickova (Czech Sauerbraten)

Both the Sweet and Sour Cabbage and the Sauerkraut were almost soupy and gooey, and a vast improvement over the canned variety we are likely used to. The Czech Goulash was a ladleful of beefy stew flavored with paprika over a thick, dense slice of bread dumpling. The Svickova, or Czech-style Sauerbraten, wasn't very tender, but the slightly sour gravy would make any Czech grandma proud. As if all this wasn't enough for my stomach o' steel, I added a Kolacky with warm prune filling, though other flavors such as Bavarian creme were available. Save your jokes about prunes, kids. This was the best pastry I've had since leaving Euroland. (At a $1.25 apiece, they're almost too good to be true.)

Kolacky:
More caky than flaky, filled with a slightly sweet warm prune compote.  

To describe the food at the Bohemian Cafe as "traditional" would be redundant and obvious. I picture the cooks slopping the stuff on your plate with extra love and care -- but slopping nonetheless. I overheard a woman with a thick German accent bemoaning the lack of boiled beef on that particular day. I say boil your beef at home and go here for beers, liqueurs, pastries, dumplings and soups you can't get anywhere else.

Just set me up with a few loaves of this seeded rye for the winter and I'll be just fine.

Don't forget to Czech out the FiO Facebook page and "Like" it: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fat-In-Omaha/124948780916431?ref=tn_tnmn

Homestead Cafe y Algo Mas

4826 Q Street
Omaha, NE 68117
(402) 738-9989
Open 7 days, 7am to 9pm
www.lacasadelhuarache.com

Los volcanes!

Brush up on your high school Spanish, kids. It's in that ole brain somewhere. The online menu for the Homestead Cafe--or La Casa del Huarache, as it's also known--is only en español. Not to fear if you took French instead and don't know what huevos means. Our server provided us with an English menu, and was perfectly accommodating.

The warm orange walls were adorned with portraits of prominent Latino citizens, but the Mexican tunes you might expect to hear were nixed in favor of some good old classic rock radio. As George Harrison crooned on, I began to worry about the chips. Where were they? Don't we get them? They have chips, right? And salsa? Should I ask her? Will they ever come???!! They didn't come, in fact, as the Homestead Cafe apparently does not offer complimentary chips. Whether that is a deal breaker, I will let you decide for yourself.

I had to try a huarache, which is like a sope or gordita. It's made with fried masa (corn dough), but oblong in shape, resembling a sandal. Mine was filled with seasoned, orange pork, juicy pineapple slices, and plenty of cotija cheese. There was a thin layer of black beans spread inside, which reminded me of the Salvadoran pupusa, but the dough was firmer and chewier. On the side came a boldly sweet and smoky chipotle salsa, along with a fearlessly spicy salsa verde. Overall, for a dish named after footwear, the huarache was a distinctive and delicious combination of flavors and textures.

Los volcanes was an "eruption" of cactus in a crunchy tortilla bowl. You might ask yourself whether it's safe to ingest an eruption of cactus. It's actually just a lot like a marinated green chile, but more pungent, and with a tinge of vinegar. Paired with a healthy dose of carne asada, there was some familiarity in this interesting dish. I say go for it.

It's obvious this place is going for something a little nicer than your hole-in-the-wall taqueria. The two of us dined for just under $30, which is a LOT more than we're used to for this kind of food. (Did I mention they don't give you chips?) Those who are intimidated by the spectacle of South 24th might feel more comfortable at the Homestead Cafe, since it appears cleaner and more professional, and smells better than some of those places, for sure.

Huarache al pastor--
A selection of other meats available, as well as a cheese and bean version.

Beans and Rice:
"Nothing to write home about," but sure to please all palates.

Fat in Des Moines

Java Joe's CoffeeHouse
214 4th Street
Des Moines, IA 50309
(515) 288-5282
Open 6:30am to 11pm, midnight on Fri and Sat and 10pm on Sun
www.jjch.com

Cream of Broccoli Soup

There I was, a gray Thursday afternoon, wandering around the great Iowan metropolis. It was cold, and I may have been battling a real brain shrinker of a hangover. All I knew was I needed soup and coffee, and water. Luckily, Java Joe's had all of that. Their very vegetarian-friendly menu dabbles in Indian, Mexican, and standard deli/coffeehouse fare, a sort of multiple identity kind of place. I wonder if they can really pull off the Madras Lentils AND the Quesadilla AND the Belgian Waffle. The homemade Cream of Broccoli soup did the trick, though I realized I am so over Saltines. If you respect your soup, you gotta have a chunk of baguette, or a bagel chip, or oyster crackers, or something better than packaged Krispys. The coffee was strong and bold, and later the place stunk up the whole city block with the smell of roasting beans. They have live music at night, pleasant bathrooms, ample seating, and chummy counter folk. Perfect for a pit stop.

...

Hessen Haus
101 4th Street
Des Moines, IA 50309
(515) 288-2520
Kitchen open 'til 10pm, 7 days a week; bar open 'til 2am Wed thru Sat and 'til midnight Sun thru Tues
www.hessenhaus.com

Köstritzer Schwarzbier:
Creamy. Malty. Delicious.

The Hessen Haus wants you to think big. It's an elongated rustic beer hall with exposed wooden beams, beer paraphernalia in every nook, and instructions for everyone's faux-German drinking favorite, das Boot, printed right on their menus. I had never heard of das Boot--a giant glass boot to drink beer out of and pass around--before moving to the Midwest, but it's apparently something they do down there at Oktoberfest. Those silly Bavarians. Anyway, if anything, the Hessen Haus made me realize that I need not be so picky. Kölsch, thee beer from Cologne, is never served in a mug, but rather little highball glasses that make you feel dainty and stick your pinky out as you chug. It's just how it's done. But of course, we're not in Cologne, and I'm not a relentless snob, so I should probably just let that one go. Bratwurst would never be served on a fluffy, smushy bun, but rather a crusty hard roll. Again, let it go. The Reuben Rolls were pretty kraut-y and salty, and the potato salad was at least half vinegar, but once I got over myself I really enjoyed sipping my Schwarzbier. A worthy place to visit, an even better place to waste an afternoon at Happy Hour. Prost.

The Brat: Skip the kraut, but add some mustard.
Coarsely ground, not very dense, didn't pop with steam at the first bite like brats do sometimes. Tasty still.
The Potato Salad: Heavy on the vinegar, but maybe after a few passes of das Boot it won't matter. 

Reuben Rolls with Thousand Island Dressing

Star Deli

1319 South 50th Street (attached to O'leaver's Pub)
Omaha, NE 68106
(402) 614-9060
Mon thru Fri 11am-3pm and 5pm-11pm, Sat noon-5pm, closed Sun
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Star-Deli/101695776554954

Hmm. Did anyone go to this?

Star Deli sits in the shadow of the old Worker's Take-out location. For this reason, their similar menu of pressed sandwiches, salads and soups already had a lot to live up to on Day One. I grudgingly tried it for the first time six months ago. I think it was the Cubano, on toasty white baguette, with whole grain mustard and pickles sliced longways. And then I went the very next day, this time to satiate my Italian sub craving, which the "Don Rocco" did quite well. I thought about going for a third straight lunch, but I didn't want the counter dude to think I was weird. One time I tried a veggie sandwich on special that was a little sparse (mostly bell peppers), but I let it slide. The chicken cordon bleu special a few weeks ago really blew my skirt up, though. Oh, it was heavenly, hammy and cheesy.

Chicken Artichoke Soup--
What a bummer!

It seems a tad unfair that the day I decided to write about it, they were having a very bad day. As usual, I took the food to go, to heartily enjoy in front of an episode of Frasier. This day was different. The Chicken Artichoke Soup ($3) was mostly just the water that's left in the pot after boiling an artichoke, with a copious amount of oil added--so much that it separated after five minutes. The rest was just inedible outer artichoke petals, and some reject gray chicken meat. I tried not to let the soup bummer affect my sandwich experience, too. But the cheese on the Cubano ($7) wasn't even a little melted, and the beef on the French Dip ($7) was also ice cold and far too rare.

The Cubano:
Lovely baguette and mustard,
but cold ham, pork and Swiss.
Better luck next time.

The French Dip:
The au jus was very Worcestershire-y, not the actual "jus" from roasting beef like it's supposed to be.

Star, I know you're just a little counter sandwich shoppe. Maybe you like staying small. But I think you could be something big, even one of the best. Please, don't take your bad days out on us. Just cause you got in a fight with your girlfriend or whatever doesn't mean we should have to sip on artichoke water. Keep up the good work, and cut out the "off" days, especially the ones that make me feel that flushing a $20 bill down the toilet would have been more fun than eating your food. Got it? Good.

What I Ate for Thanksgiving

I raved about the fried chicken at Jack and Mary's so much I just had to have it again. The house was packed, and we eyed the others suspiciously, wondering what kind of people go out to eat on Thanksgiving. We alone represented the entire 18-55 age bracket, as the servers were too young to legally serve my wine, and the patrons were clearly old as f***. One of the fellow diners told us he dropped his Demerol tablet somewhere near the salad bar--hopefully not in the dressing--and successfully had every member of the staff on the search. (He eventually realized it was in fact still in his pocket.) All of this and more was our entertainment for the evening. Let the photos tell the rest.

The salad bar:
Bagged iceberg mix, black olives, genetically modified cherry tomatoes,
and sweet French dressing were the stars.
Don't mind the veiny hand. We didn't.

Sutter Home Chardonnay:
The rich, creamy pear and apple flavors, and the smooth, round texture made it an ideal pairing for my fried chicken. Pictured with the elegant salad I made for myself.

Wouldn't be Thanksgiving without the puffy white oven rolls, now would it?

Finally, the Feast:
Canned, microwaved green beans, stuffing and mashed with gravy,
and four pieces of fried chicken. LOVE IT!

At the risk of being too full to carry on with our drinking, we had to get the pie (included in the $12.95 price) wrapped to go. Rest assured it provided a swell midnight snack the following day. Jack and Mary's feast wasn't nearly as good as Mom's cooking, but to see the folks genuinely excited to eat and be together on this day made it great for me. For many, Thanksgiving 2011 has already been flushed away and forgotten, but for me, this will be one to remember.

Gusto Cuban Cafe

7910 Harrison Street
Ralston, NE 68128
(402) 614-7800
Sun 4-8pm; Mon Closed; Tue-Thu 5-9pm; Fri 11:30am-2pm, 5pm-1am; Sat 1pm-2am
www.gustocubancafe.com

Ropa Vieja Sandwich on Toasted Cuban Bread
(Sandwiches served until 6:30pm only)

Ah, the Gusto Groupon. It seems Gusto has been the "Deal of the Day" more than once, the most recent bargain offering two mojitos, an appetizer, and two entrees for the measly--and suspicious--price of $15. Desperate times lead to desperate coupons, I always say. But before I assumed the worst about Gusto, I headed in, sans Groupon, to see the place for myself. The hours can be tough if you're not a 9 to 5er, so plan accordingly. We arrived at 1:20pm on a Friday; we were told we had to order right away, and that we had until 2:15 to finish our meals and then we had to leave. Egads! Suddenly it seemed easier to get into Cuba without a visa than to dine there. I quickly decided to go with the dish with which I was most familiar, the ropa vieja entree, which happened to cost as much as the entire Groupon deal. This version of ropa vieja, meaning "Old Clothes," came with a trio of sides. To taste the robust earthiness of the kidney beans next to the congri rice--most likely a family recipe--on one forkful was truly delectable. Along with the candied sweetness of chewy soft plantains, these side dishes could have been a meal for me. The stringy, shredded beef brisket, swimming in a boat of tomato-based sauce, was simply not as exciting and flavorful as its accompaniments.

The deep wooden booths were scribbled and Sharpie-d with all sorts of shout outs and tags; it reminded me of what a graffitied Havanan alley might look like (or maybe just your average bar bathroom stall), and we thought about defacing it with some crude image just for fun (but we didn't). If you'd like to try Gusto, I'd recommend snagging one of those Groupons, since it can be a bit pricey for what it is, and don't necessarily expect pleasant service. It's a rough around the edges family place that I hope to try once more.

Toasted Parmesan-dusted Garlic Bread (to start)

Congri Rice--White rice and beans with garlic, onion, pepper, etc.
Fried Sweet Plantains--Like a candied banana of sorts
Red Kidney Beans--Eat with a spoon

The main part of the ropa vieja:
"Shredded brisket steak in a Cuban creole sauce" 

La Mesa Mexican Restaurant

84th Street and Tara Plaza
Papillion, NE 68046
(402) 593-0983
Plus four other locations in the Omaha metro area, and a few in KS and MO
Sun thru Thurs 11am to 10pm, Fri and Sat 11am to 10:30pm
www.la-mesa.com

Combination #1:
One Beef Enchilada, One "Chili con Queso" Tostada,
One Crunchy Beef Taco and One Crunchy Chicken Taco

Beware, beware. Halloween was weeks ago, but the scariest thing to happen to me all year was yesterday at lunch. I had prepared for an average honky Mexican experience, with mounds of melted cheese, mild salsa, and high fructose Margaritas. It was true the salsa was mild, but the chips were light, airy and crunchy. My large Marg--with its fake sugar bite--may have brought me a step closer to diabetes, but I can't deny that I enjoyed the thick, velvety sucrose quality, and the subsequent slight buzz. The booths and tables could have been designed by Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera on a very, very bad acid trip. But the real fright came when the Combo #1 was brought to our mesa. The tostada was advertised as "chili con queso," and so I anticipated a glop of Hormel-esque chili with cheddar. The Taco Bellian side of me thought it might actually be good. What I got was a flat corn tortilla directly out of a package, spread with ground beef that didn't have a hint of salt or pepper, let alone cayenne, cumin, or anything else tasty. There was some major skimp-age on the cheese, too, which I thought was supposed to be the cornerstone of honky-Mex. The tacos were soggy and utterly bland. The enchilada was spongy, and the sauce reminded me of ketchup. A far cry from the steaming casserole dish of baked enchiladas I like to imagine.

The prompt service ultimately couldn't make up for the poor quality food. On their website, the restaurant claims: "La Mesa's 'authentic' taste is created from family recipes made with only the freshest quality ingredients." I adamantly believe this to be a flat out fabrication, as I am fairly sure Mexicans do not eat unseasoned ground beef wrapped in a Mission tortilla covered in canned enchilada sauce. I suspect, based on the product I sampled, that the kitchen is actually nothing but a sea of steam table pans full of cheap ingredients off a Sysco truck. For this reason, La Mesa gets two fat thumbs down.

Chips and Salsa:
Not spicy, but still decent

House Margarita with el Jimador Tequila

(Try Agave at 5013 Underwood Avenue in Dundee, if ultra-Americanized Mexican is what you crave. For there is something to be said about that special feeling you get when the sizzling, smoking fajita plate is brought to your table. If you want to OD on chips and queso dip, Agave might well be your den.)