The Diner

409 South 12th Street 

402.341.9870

Open daily 6:30am to 2:30pm, Sundays at 7:30am

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Inspired to point out the duct tape that is apparently holding the clock together at the corners. That is all. 

Some of you may already know I came of age in the deep, sticky comfort of a diner booth back East. Old enough to pretend to like chain smoking but too young to know people to buy us beer, we toiled our late nights away over plates full of bacon and scrambled eggs, all while expertly keeping the proper milk and sugar ratio between refills poured warily by a uniformed waitress too tired to care she wasn't going to get a great tip from us young idiots. 

I don't know why it took me so long to dine at the silver-paneled New Jersey knockoff with the shockingly creative name in the Old Market, but after hearing stories of its state while under former management, I'm glad I waited. The Diner changed hands about a year ago, and it seems what we have now is a perfectly respectable place to eat a boastfully unhealthy meal any day of the week. 

The arrival of the food took what seemed like an eternity in my shaky, morning-after mind, but it gave me a chance to chug two cups of decent black coffee with at least half the fervor I'd have if it were Hopluia. At least, it wasn't strikingly bland, weak, or overly acidic, like the brew served in similar establishments. 

Chicken Fried Steak,
complete with traditional deep fryer basket indentations in the breading,
and a peppery, delightfully fatty gravy.

My dining buddy donated a quarter of his chicken fried steak, and I'm glad, because the evident saltiness of the breading paired with the goopiest of white gravies turned out to be my favorite item on the table. In fact, it may be the most suitable breakfast in the area for those of you who opted for a liquid-only dinner the night before. The hashbrowns were served impressively, well, browned, a feat any short-order cook can tell you is tricky to do quickly, though often requested. I was also a fan of the hands-off yet effective service: servers came by unobtrusively to refill coffee and clear plates without interrupting our nonsensical conversations.

"Heartland" Omelette:
Chopped bacon, onions, green peppers, and tomatoes
barely sauteed and wrapped into a thin layer of cooked egg.
While the flavor was proper, the execution was bothersome,
and demanded we devote the next ten minutes of conversation
to an impromptu session on the finer points of omelette making. 

So the eggs came over easy when they should have been over medium. So they took that dreaded shortcut with the omelette and stuffed a pile of limp veggies into a thin layer of cooked egg before wrapping it up like some sort of strange burrito-like thing, instead of just cooking the fillings right into the egg. So my stomach is still churning from this meal eaten a distressing ten hours ago. It's much more likely that has to do with last night's escapades than this morning's grease content. Like I always say, don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed -- words to live by. 

Chinese Place in the Old Market

UPDATE: IT'S GONE! CLOSED!

1215 Howard Street
402.991.9330
Mon - Thurs 11-9:30, Fri and Sat 11-10, closed Sun
houseofleeomaha.com

Ye Old Howard Street

Is this place called "House of Lee," or "California Bowl," or both? The website says the Old Market location is closed, so maybe my experience a few weeks ago was all a dream. A dream in which I patronize a dingy Chinese food diner and emerge feeling... satisfied.

I've passed this place a bunch of times and was sure it would absolutely, positively suck. There's nothing more I can really say. Thought it was gonna suck, and it was actually pretty good. Next.

Moo Goo Gai Pan ($6.25)

Lunch Special ($6.75):
Mongolian Beef and Chicken with Broccoli

Egg Drop Soup (included with lunch)

If you haven't seen this TED talk on the origin of Americanized Chinese cuisine, there are worse ways you could spend 15 minutes:

Happy Hour at the Michael's Cantina at the Market

1102 Harney Street
402.346.1205
Open Sun - Thurs 11a.m. - 11p.m., Fri and Sat 'til midnight
More importantly, happy hour weekdays 3 - 6p.m. (half off margaritas and appetizers)
michaelscantina.com/market.html

A close inspection of the sign will reveal the word "fine."

There's bad Mexican food, and then there's bad food. I hereby set aside all labels, specifications and standards. I'm throwing out my obsession with authenticity and qualms about the spice level in order to tell you, my dearest fellow diner, that the food here is not worth ingesting. The solitary exception is the South of the Border appetizer sampler, which features four of the usual suspect dips, executed with exquisite averageness, and never ending basketfuls of both corn and recently-fried flour tortilla chips. The point is merely -- and yet also imperatively -- to give you something to do with your mouth in between sips of the deliciously boozy beverages.

From the hours of 3 to 6p.m. on any given weekday, Michael's is the most magical place to get tipsy with friends and coworkers alike. You'll likely have the place to yourselves, which is an added bonus. Jump start your hangover with one of our nation's favorite drinks, the high fructose bomb that packs a powerful punch: the Margarita.

Rocks with salt (Reg $5):
For those of us who haven't yet outgrown the concept of "these will get you wasted."

South of the Border Combination Platter (Reg $9.99):
Colorful, and oh so edible

This concoction is known as the Tamale Float,
and it, along with the hot wings, jalapeño poppers, and taco al pastor,
has about as much culinary appeal as a satchel of silica gel. 

Dessert at V. Mertz

1022 Howard Street
Omaha, NE 68102
402.345.8980
Open for dinner Tues thru Sat at 5:30pm
vmertz.com

"Chocolate Mascarpone ($8):
Mascarpone Mousse, Flourless Cake, Devil's Food, Raspberry, Mint"

Yes, they even let bums like me into this lavish joint. Anywhere that's touted as "one of the most expensive restaurants in Omaha" might sound a little intimidating, but not too much to mosey on up to the bar, have myself a seat and order some whiskey and cake. The Chocolate Mascarpone had alternating bites of flourless chocolate and devil's food cake, along with mint oil and cranberry cubes. Apart from the involved plating, the cake could indeed stand on its own. Their Manhattan cocktail was gloriously smooth, I suspect due to the addition of a little Ruby Port. I would so slip into V. Mertz after work for one of those in my business suit if I owned a business suit.

I suggest the Mertz crew remind themselves there is a fine line between earned pretentiousness and acting downright cocky. At nicer places, I'm prepared to hear the staff speaking with a faux-British inflection and scoffing at my rookie wine pairings. But when the bartender uttered the words, "Everything's amazing, I trust?" I almost choked on my decorative pointy chocolate shard.

Read the rest of my flourless chocolate adventures here.

"V. Mertz Manhattan ($10):
Bulleit Bourbon, Ruby Port, Sweet Vermouth, Creme de Cassis and Angustura bitters"
(Psst... Mertz... You spelled Angostura wrong!)